When a marriage encounters a partner's derailment, how to choose, whether to leave or not? This is the most distressing and painful question that women ask for help.
My answer is: it varies from person to person!
Every couple has different types of marriage, different environments and social status, and even different intentions of marriage. The needs and expectations for the function of marriage are also different, so it needs to be tailored.
1. Inactive type
Mei Zi and Husband are the first love in the University and used to be the best couple on campus. After graduation, the two married. After the birth of the child, plum became a full-time wife, forming a marriage pattern between male and female. As plum gradually derailed from society, the focus was on children, the common language between husband and wife became less and less, and their feelings became dull. On a business trip, her husband and female colleagues had a one-night stand, and she has been ambiguous ever since. After the derailment incident was exposed, plum was in great pain. With the help of a consultant, plum adjusted her uncontrolled mood and gradually calmed down. Through the details of her life, she confirmed that she and her husband loved each other, but their marriage had no vitality. After communication, the couple received counseling together to complete their learning tasks.
1. Husband and wife express grievance and confusion to each other, and listen to each other's voice and feelings carefully.
2. Re-straighten out family relations and establish the family order of the first relationship between husband and wife and the second relationship between parents and children.
3. Plum's negative emotions fluctuate repeatedly over a period of time. She needs to learn how to vent her emotions reasonably, and take the initiative to eliminate negative emotions by exercising and cultivating new hobbies. Husband should give timely comfort and understanding when her mood fluctuates. For example, when plum mood fluctuates, Husband is not anxious to justify his behavior, hug her quietly, and discuss with her after she relieves her mood.
4. Husband should seek a positive way to convey and express, so that plum can feel his nostalgia for his family and the determination to reform;
5. Plum needs to constantly self-perceive, objectively evaluate her husband's behavior, avoid generalizing, and give some positive response and affirmation to his positive repentance in time. Husband should also seek positive resources between husband and wife to increase positive energy.
6. Husband and wife jointly design warm family activities to enhance family cohesion and attract husbands from outside the family to return.
7. To improve the quality of sexual life, couples caress each other, overcome possible obstacles in sexual life together, and increase the emotional connection and intimacy between couples.
After more than half a year of consultation, plum and her husband's marriage finally returned to normal.
Xiaoji is an excellent and beautiful woman, very capable. She married her husband for love. In the eighth year after marriage, her husband was in love with each other. Xiao Ji was the last person to know that the man had cheated. She completely collapsed and cried in the consultation room. By paying attention to the details of her life, she confirmed that her husband no longer loved her and her heart was no longer in this family. For example, her husband did not care about her feelings, secretly transferred the common property of husband and wife, had lived with the third party, and they also established a common future life plan. Xiao Ji gave up repairing his marriage and chose to divorce.
Now Xiao Ji has been divorced for three years. She has devoted all these three years to her career and is now a successful person. She said: "After my husband's derailment, I was glad to have consulted myself, which made me see my current situation clearly. When I understand the reality, I accept the fact that there are differences between death and life in marriage. Mysteriously, when I accept it, resentment is like a punctured balloon, gradually disappearing...
Now, Xiaoji has several suitors around her, and her ex-husband often comes to care about her. She lives confidently and calmly.
If it's this type of marriage, it's advisable to calm down and confirm that you still love each other when your partner cheats. Mutual love is the best remedy for marital problems and the greatest motivation to save marriage. If you confirm that love has become a thing of the past, it is better to let go of each other and yourself.
2. Personality conflict type
Xiuxiu and her husband were married by their parents, both of them were only children, and they were very selfish. Both parents help with housework and children. Xiuxiu and her husband often live a leisurely life. However, the same self often clashes with each other. Late one night, after the quarrel, Xiuxiu's husband slammed the door and went away. He met his ex-girlfriend in the bar and had a one-night stand. Xiuxiu became angry when she knew it, and her parents coaxed and deceived her into the consulting room. When Xiuxiu went to the consulting room, after she cried, she rolled the sheets with her husband before the next consultation time.
If it is this type of marriage, because there is sufficient sexual vitality, derailment is only a temporary impulse, marriage is relatively easy to save. When rebuilding marriage, we need to find the root causes of daily conflicts and find ways to solve them, such as doing some self-growth and learning communication skills.
1. Xiuxiu and her husband should be separated from their original families, establish a real family, be financially independent, establish the role and responsibility distribution of husband and wife, and establish reasonable financial planning. If they can't "wean", they can't grow up to be husbands and wives.
2. When quarrelling, parents of both sides are not asked for help. When quarrelling is too serious, they should pause for 30 minutes and communicate with each other again when their emotions ease.
3. Learn to respect and give each other some freedom.
4. Understand each other's personality, establish good communication and interaction, and respond positively. When couples communicate, they should express clearly and concretely, avoid using wrong communication modes such as hints and guesses, pay attention to the future construction of marriage, and do not turn over the old debts of their husbands.
3. Utilitarianism without love
Sisi's father is an official with real power. His husband has a family business in the local area. The combination of the two families is the combination of government and business. Sisi and his husband have not seen each other several times before marriage. After their marriage, they lived in villas and had a rich life, but they seldom communicated and could not quarrel.
After Sisi's father retired to the second line, his husband had an affair in the second year. In the consulting room, she always can't change herself. Her financial dependence on her husband makes it impossible for her to give up her present superior life. Only when the days are dull, can they think of the counselors' vomit, and their husbands' selfishness and indifference.
If it is this type of marriage, because the two sides did not hold too high expectations of marriage at the beginning, there is not much disappointment and dissatisfaction, and therefore lack of motivation for change, marriage is like a stagnant pool. Whether a party divorces after derailment depends on whether the two parties have common interests. For example, when his father lost power, his husband quickly derailed; when he found a woman who could bring him greater benefits, the time to ask for divorce was not far away. Reflections need to seek help from marriage lawyers to defend their interests as much as possible, otherwise they will be very passive.
4. Patriarchal succession
Yangzi loves her husband very much. In order to give birth and the crystallization of her husband's love, she is pregnant after several twists and turns and will die nine times during childbirth. After giving birth to her daughter, her uterus was removed because of massive bleeding. The doctor declared that she could not reproduce. During the period of sitting in the moon, her husband, who usually takes care of her gently, changed his attitude dramatically and his tone was very indifferent. Later, she found out that Lao openly began to have an affair with a strange woman on the Internet as an unmarried person, and her mother-in-law was also secretly helping him to inquire about his blind date. Yang Zi was desperate and came to ask for help. With the help of a counselor, Yang Zi saw that the man's main function of marriage was to inherit the family line, which was an immutable conflict of values. Yang Zi chose to lay down and divorce her husband.
If it is this type of marriage, it is basically impossible to save it. Unless there is a major change in his life, there will be a glimmer of possibility to reverse his deep-rooted ideas.
We always hope that marriage will be as good and intimate as it was at first. However, the reality is that marriage changes with the passage of time and the change of environment. It may also develop from one type to another. After encountering derailment crisis, most of them are women, because they are worried about young children, because they are afraid of gossip around them, because they are not able to survive and have enough financial ability. They always fear and panic first. They are very confused about the current situation and easily lose control of their emotions.
The past is a fact, we can't change it, but tomorrow and the future are unknown. We can clarify the type of marriage we belong to according to our living environment, survival skills, emotional dependence and so on, and recognize our current situation. Only in this way can we put aside our emotions and tangles, and bravely make the best choice for ourselves at the moment. This is also the key to the success of emotional repair and emotional control after the derailment storm.
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